At first I was going to somehow tie the season of Advent into the title of this post, but then when I looked up the definition of 'advent,' I realized 'advent' refers to the arrival of something incredibly important, not really to the waiting for the arrival. Not having any kind of arrival in sight, I didn't think the comparison would be appropriate. That was a little bit depressing.
Mark and I are still waiting. I wasn't going to post on our baby decisions, either related to infertility or adoption, until we had something more definite to share. But I changed my mind, I guess. The past week and a half have been hard for me, in relation to waiting to be able to grow our family, and I just wanted somewhere to spill the words. Or maybe my reason is more cowardly: maybe I just can't bring myself to talk to many people about this in a serious way, and maybe this is my less confrontational way of letting friends know how I'm handling infertility right now. Either way, cowardly or not, spilling my frustration over infertility on this blog has been helpful, healing even, at times.
Although we feel ready in theory to start an adoption process, we are waiting on a few big decisions in our lives that we expect to be resolved within the next six months. I don't want to write about what those decisions are yet, not here, but that is why we are waiting. As to growing our family biologically, we're still praying about that too. Really, I would accept a child that was handed to me either via adoption or biological methods. I'm open to whichever God has planned for us first. But, obviously, we have little control over growing our family biologically right now, so we're waiting on that too.
Ugh. Waiting. As I mentioned above, this has been a hard week and a half of waiting. A very dear friend wrote me a letter to let me know that she and her husband are expecting a little blessing. I truly am rejoicing with them. They've dealt with some of the same pain of infertility. Knowing that pain, I can imagine just how thrilled they are, and I'm so happy that God has blessed them. But right there next to the rejoicing part of me is the mourning, tantrum-throwing part of me, the part of me that asks, "Why not me? I've been waiting longer! God, why are you so silent to me?"
So the past week has been a ping pong match of me trying to trust God and then questioning God, and then believing His timing is best, and then crying and wondering if God just doesn't think I'm cut out to be a mom. I mean, I know that's not God's reason for withholding children right now, but sometimes it just feels like it. And so then I think that God must have something else He wants us to do before He gives us children, and then I think that maybe there's no constructive purpose to this waiting. Ping pong, ping pong...
With Christmas approaching I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for: an amazing husband, two sets of wonderful parents, siblings, nephews, a niece, snow, and almonds come to mind right now. But it's hard too. I'm mostly super excited to see my niece and nephews, but part of me dreads the strong reminder of what being new parents with a new baby would be like. But at the same time, I wouldn't miss seeing those three little faces for the world. So the ping pong match continues.
I'm sorry for making this blog post my dumping ground for this past week's worth of emotions. It's maybe a bit too depressing with Christmas this close upon us. And I know that many people, both in the U.S. and around the world are suffering much more than me. I'm still thinking of and praying for the families affected by the horrible, unthinkable school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut last week. Those families are grieving much more than I am right now, so much so that I can't even imagine what they must be feeling.
So, in light of all that grief-- grief for children lost too early, grief for children not appearing-- maybe let this post serve as a reminder this Christmas. When you're celebrating Christmas in a few days, say a little prayer for a couple you know that is grieving because their family is too small this Christmas. Suddenly too small or still too small. It certainly doesn't have to be me and Mark you pray for. Just remember some couple's grief.
I will be praying for the families of Sandy Hook Elementary this Christmas, and I'll also be praying for other families like mine. My Christmas prayer, both for me and Mark, and for other couples struggling with infertility is this verse that has been echoing in my heart this week from Isaiah:
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For our God is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!