Season of Waiting

At first I was going to somehow tie the season of Advent into the title of this post, but then when I looked up the definition of 'advent,' I realized 'advent' refers to the arrival of something incredibly important, not really to the waiting for the arrival. Not having any kind of arrival in sight, I didn't think the comparison would be appropriate. That was a little bit depressing.

Mark and I are still waiting. I wasn't going to post on our baby decisions, either related to infertility or adoption, until we had something more definite to share. But I changed my mind, I guess. The past week and a half have been hard for me, in relation to waiting to be able to grow our family, and I just wanted somewhere to spill the words. Or maybe my reason is more cowardly: maybe I just can't bring myself to talk to many people about this in a serious way, and maybe this is my less confrontational way of letting friends know how I'm handling infertility right now. Either way, cowardly or not, spilling my frustration over infertility on this blog has been helpful, healing even, at times.

Although we feel ready in theory to start an adoption process, we are waiting on a few big decisions in our lives that we expect to be resolved within the next six months. I don't want to write about what those decisions are yet, not here, but that is why we are waiting. As to growing our family biologically, we're still praying about that too. Really, I would accept a child that was handed to me either via adoption or biological  methods. I'm open to whichever God has planned for us first. But, obviously, we have little control over growing our family biologically right now, so we're waiting on that too.

Ugh. Waiting. As I mentioned above, this has been a hard week and a half of waiting. A very dear friend wrote me a letter to let me know that she and her husband are expecting a little blessing. I truly am rejoicing with them. They've dealt with some of the same pain of infertility. Knowing that pain, I can imagine just how thrilled they are, and I'm so happy that God has blessed them. But right there next to the rejoicing part of me is the mourning, tantrum-throwing part of me, the part of me that asks, "Why not me? I've been waiting longer! God, why are you so silent to me?"

So the past week has been a ping pong match of me trying to trust God and then questioning God, and then believing His timing is best, and then crying and wondering if God just doesn't think I'm cut out to be a mom. I mean, I know that's not God's reason for withholding children right now, but sometimes it just feels like it. And so then I think that God must have something else He wants us to do before He gives us children, and then I think that maybe there's no constructive purpose to this waiting. Ping pong, ping pong...

With Christmas approaching I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for: an amazing husband, two sets of wonderful parents, siblings, nephews, a niece, snow, and almonds come to mind right now. But it's hard too. I'm mostly super excited to see my niece and nephews, but part of me dreads the strong reminder of what being new parents with a new baby would be like. But at the same time, I wouldn't miss seeing those three little faces for the world. So the ping pong match continues.

I'm sorry for making this blog post my dumping ground for this past week's worth of emotions. It's maybe a bit too depressing with Christmas this close upon us. And I know that many people, both in the U.S. and around the world are suffering much more than me. I'm still thinking of and praying for the families affected by the horrible, unthinkable school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut last week. Those families are grieving much more than I am right now, so much so that I can't even imagine what they must be feeling.

So, in light of all that grief-- grief for children lost too early, grief for children not appearing-- maybe let this post serve as a reminder this Christmas. When you're celebrating Christmas in a few days, say a little prayer for a couple you know that is grieving because their family is too small this Christmas. Suddenly too small or still too small. It certainly doesn't have to be me and Mark you pray for. Just remember some couple's grief.

I will be praying for the families of Sandy Hook Elementary this Christmas, and I'll also be praying for other families like mine. My Christmas prayer, both for me and Mark, and for other couples struggling with infertility is this verse that has been echoing in my heart this week from Isaiah:

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For our God is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!

Gearing Up for Adoption, Or Trying

So, you may or may not have noticed my post last week, in which I announced our upcoming trip to Mozambique.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Wow. They’re planning this big trip. They have to raise a lot of money. And they’re getting ready to start their adoption? They’ve got to be nuts!”

If we were about to launch into our adoption process, I would agree with you. Even I, impatient to have a baby as I am, know that these two financial and emotional drains can’t take place at the same time. Sigh.

Usually, in the past, I’ve always been able to recognize my emotions. I took pride, almost, in being able to journal and pray and come out of that time with a pretty clear idea of how I was feeling and why. Over the last few months, however, I haven’t been able to recognize my emotions, despite journaling and prayer, which has left me feeling off-balance and confused.

The result? Tears. Anxiety. Tears. Difficulty sleeping. Oh, and tears. Did I mention tears?

I’m excited to go to Mozambique, I really am. But I’m also excited to adopt. I know that God has led us to this point, to the point of going on this trip (and you can read more about that decision at our Mozambique blog), but my heart—my impatient, selfish, human heart—is already in the adoption process.

We’ve tentatively decided between international and domestic adoption. We’ve tentatively decided on an adoption agency. But we just can’t get started yet.

It took me until about this past week to realize that the raging waves of emotions that I’d been tossed around in recently was a result of this conflict between desire to go to Mozambique and desire to adopt.

Since finally understanding myself, I’ve been able to have more productive conversations with God than tearful spluttering on my end. (I’ve been thankful for the reminder that when we don’t know how to pray the Spirit intercedes for us!) And I’ve also been able to start to find ways to ease what I’ve termed my Adoption Tension.

My first outlet for the adoption tension is through trying to come up with ways to raise or earn money for the fantastic yet financially terrifying event. I’m playing around with a few ideas, like the e-reader cover I just finished, and some other crafty things that someone somewhere may want to buy.

But for those of you who have adopted before, do you have good ideas for ways to pay for an adoption on a limited income?

Adoption and Parenthood: Making Plans

Because I haven’t mentioned adoption in a few weeks, some of you might be wondering if Husband and I have forgotten about the idea of adoption. Or that we have given up on it.

Neither is true.

We are continuing to read books about adoption. (We just finished reading through The Adoption Decision by Laura Christianson and are now starting The Complete Book of International Adoption by Dawn Davenport. The former is written by a woman familiar with domestic adoption. The latter, obviously, goes into more detail about international adoption.) We are continuing to discuss.

The discussion has taken an interesting shift for Husband and me. We are no longer discussing if we will adopt, but rather, when we will adopt. We feel confident that God is leading us to adoption, but not quite yet.

Because in the last few weeks of talking and praying we have also come to the joint decision that God is leading us to pursue biological parenthood first. Though I don’t want to share all of the reasoning that went into this decision, I do want to share the final product with you:

Our plan is to use a common and non-invasive fertility treatment that is almost entirely covered by our insurance. Our hope is that God will bless us with a biological child through this process, but whether He does or not, we will begin our first adoption process, either after our first child is old enough for us to be able to start paperwork, or when the fertility treatment has reached its end.

This is our plan, but I am already shaking my head and sighing to myself over my use of the word plan.

When I tell God these things (usually pretending that I am asking), I imagine that God is staring at me, compassionately, but with a quizzical expression on His face and an eyebrow cocked. He’s patient enough to listen and love me anyway, but He’s certainly not taking notes!

Domestic or International?

On Friday I got together with three ladies, two of which attend the same church as Husband and I, to talk adoption. I'll call the three ladies A, S, and H. All three of them have adopted babies within the last year through the same adoption agency. One reason that I was excited to talk adoption with these ladies was that they all adopted domestically. Because my sister-in-law and her husband recently finished an international adoption, I have felt more familiar and comfortable with the international adoption process (though still very uninformed about all things adoption). I wanted to learn more first-hand about the domestic adoption process.

A few things have stuck with me after my conversation with A, S, and H on Friday.

First, domstic adoption can be (though it isn't always) faster. All three of these ladies started their adoption process last December. Two of them have had their babies home for six months already. That means their entire adoption process took about six months. Wow. I must admit, it's a little hard not to let that in and of itself sway me away from international adoption. Especially because all three of these adorable bright-eyed babies were present at our Friday get-together. Sigh. I've recently been reading a variety of adoption blogs that a friend of my sister-in-law put together. (You can find them here.) I've read adoptive parents in the adoption process described as vulnerable, tunnel-visioned, desperate, and psychotic. Husband and I are not even in the adoption process yet, but I already feel that I can identify, to some extent, with those descriptions. My feelings tell me, "Fast adoption is good. The faster, the better. I want a baby now. Nownownownownownow." Obviously, my feelings are not entirely sane and dependable right now. My thoughts tell me, "Keep researching. Keep talking with Husband. Keep praying. You haven't decided anything yet."

Another thing that stuck out to me from our conversation was the topic of open adoption versus closed adoption. All three of these ladies have open adoptions, to some extent. The nice thing, they pointed out, about working with a smaller adoption agency, is that the social workers will work with you and the birth parents to decide how open the adoption should be. They do not apply a cookie-cutter shape to every domestic adoption. The idea of an open adoption had always scared me. I couldn't (and still can't quite) imagine the relationship dynamics that would exist if we adopted a child and his parents were still a part of his life. I am beginning to realize, though that there are definite benefits, for the child, the birth parents and even for the adoptive parents. All three of these ladies said they started out the adoption process feeling uncomfortable with the idea of open adoption but are totally comfortable now with the level of openness in their respective adoptions. However, they are only six months, at most, into these new relationships. I feel more open to thinking about open adoption than I did a week ago, but not entirely sold. More research!

All three of the ladies talked about their feelings leading up to when their babies were born. S and her husband were matched with a baby about three months before the baby was born. A had a similar situation. H was called a few days after her baby was born. In the cases of S and A, the waiting time up until the birth was stressful, to say the least. They had to wait until the babies were born for the birth moms to sign papers relinquishing the babies to their adoptive parents, and then there was a waiting period (I can't remember how long) during which the birth mom could change her mind and take her baby back if she wanted. Then, after that, there was a 30 day period during which the birth father could come forward and claim the child (because in both cases the birth father's location was unknown). H had had an experience, prior to her recent adoption, where she and her husband were called down to Florida for a baby, but the birth mom changed her mind. This was all new to me, as the situation is usually quite different in international adoptions.

I want to want the best for everyone involved throughout our adoption, should we definitely choose to adopt. I want to continue to recognize that the decision birth parents make to give their child up for adoption will have tremendous ramifications for them and for their child, for the rest of their lives. That's not a decision to make lightly or hastily. But I could see, through my meeting on Friday, how easy it would be to cross the line into just wanting the birth mom to sign those papers as quickly as possible after the baby is born, to be able to be sure that the baby is mine. By that point, your feelings, as an adoptive parent, are entirely wrapped up in this new baby, whether or not you've seen her yet. To have the birth parents change their mind will be incredibly painful. And yet, it still may be better for both parents and child if the birth parents decide to parent. Ouch.

So, all things considered, I left the meeting with A, S, and H wanting a baby. That's not new. I was feeling open to considering domestic adoption. That is new. But it doesn't mean anything new: it just means more research.

Thank you all for putting up with my rambling thoughts on adoption. I promise, Husband and I do have other things going on in our lives right now, and I promise that my next post will be about some of those things!

An Adoption Discussion

I have again fudged my goal to read through our entire home library before buying or borrowing another book.

I bought a book on adoption.

Two, actually.

And now Husband and I are reading the first one together. I feel fairly justified this time in the decision to fudge my reading goals, however. Both Husband and I felt led to learn more about adoption. Reading a few choice books together will help us learn, explore our feelings, and further discern God’s will in regards to our pursuing adoption.

This first adoption book that we’re reading together, quite appropriately, is The Adoption Decision, by Laura Christianson. A couple people have recommended this book to us, and one chapter in, it’s already giving rise to discussion.

Our most interesting discussion came from one of the “Questions and Ideas for Reflection or Discussion” over the first chapter. The question is: “On a scale of 1 to 5, rate your enthusiasm and readiness to adopt. If you’re married, rate your spouse’s enthusiasm. Discuss your ratings together.”

Can you imagine why this might lead to colorful discussion?

At this time, I don’t want to share exactly how Husband and I rated ourselves and each other. Suffice it to say, we both judged the other’s enthusiasm and readiness correctly, but our readiness and enthusiasm are not the same.

Our discussion was good. Thoughts that came up included the idea that—get ready for brilliance—pregnancy and adoption are not the same.

A) When a wife gets pregnant, sometimes it’s a surprise. Adoption is never a surprise.

B) As a couple, you may or may not have done your research before your become pregnant. However, as a couple you must do your research before you adopt.

C) As a couple, you may or may not be in the same place emotionally and mentally when you become pregnant (though it’s better if you are). As a couple, you must be in the same place emotionally and mentally—or at least close to the same place—when you adopt because of the points stated above.

It is this last point that I took with me and have been pondering since our discussion. Husband and I are still considering and praying about the possibility of adoption. We’re still going to read both of the books and continue to read online. But we are also going to make sure that we talk regularly and honestly.

We want to be in the same place emotionally and mentally when we make our decision whether to adopt, not adopt, or wait.

While I'm Waiting: Hoping

I was listening to the radio tonight as I washed and dried the dishes. Husband had to work through the supper hour tonight at the nursing home, so I was alone. Often, for me, doing the dishes alone affords some time for reflection that I might not otherwise take.

Husband and I are going to trim the Christmas tree when he gets home from work, and I was trying to muscle up some excitement for the project. We had all of our children’s programs at the library today, which always leaves me feeling happy and yet slightly bruised on the inside at the same time.

One of the songs that came on while I was drying dishes was a song I’ve heard many times before, but I didn’t even know who it was by: “While I’m Waiting,” by John Waller. The song seemed to fit what I want to be right perfectly:

The word ‘waiting’ is obviously used multiple times in the song, but the word ‘hope’ came up too. Hearing about waiting and hoping in the same breath started me musing on the Spanish word esperar. Esperar translates to the infinitive verb form of the English phrase ‘to hope.’ But, strangely enough, esperar also means ‘to wait.’ In Spanish, to wait and to hope are one in the same.

I was reminded again tonight that this is also true in my dealings with God: to wait on Him is also to hope in Him. I am waiting for something I want, but I can be hopeful because I know that whatever He gives me now and will give me in the future is good.

The other phrase in the song that really got me thinking was: “I’ll be running the race, even while I wait.”

I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, want this to be true of me. I do not want to sit in front of my computer and write blog lament after blog lament over all the painful things that remind me that I’m not a mother yet but want to be (and who would want to sit and read a whole bunch of laments anyway? The authors of Lamentations get special treatment. Their laments are still read because they ended up in the Bible. I have no such trump card to play.)

So.

That being said, I am going to try to get back to the purpose of this blog: being content with what God has given me while I wait. You will probably continue to hear about our child-longing periodically, but I will not allow that to take over the blog.

On that front, I do have some news to share, however: Though Husband and I are not closing the door on fertility treatments completely, we are starting to take baby steps (no pun intended) into the world of adoption as well.

As a child and a teenager, I had always said I wanted to adopt, but since getting married, I had set the idea aside temporarily because I was intimidated by the substantial cost of adoption. Husband and I independently came to the decision that, despite the cost, now is the time to look into adoption. We’re starting with research, so when you hear about our baby-longing, it will most likely be in the context of our responses to what we have researched.

In any case, with the goal being contentment where we are now, other topics besides adoption that you can expect to be reading about in the coming months are:

• Projects, current and future (gift ideas, food, home improvement, and so forth)
• Experiences in my daily life that inspire thankfulness
• Experiences in my daily life that inspire laughter (you all remember my coworker exchanging Satan for Santa—I’m expecting her to step it up, if only for the purpose of this blog)
• Ways that God is teaching me and speaking to me
• Book reviews (because despite my slip up I am going to read through our personal library and also because I just love to read that much)

I’m looking forward to this month leading up to Christ’s birth, and I hope that you will join me in learning to be content right where each one of us is.

Family Road Trip

This past weekend Husband and I took a loooooooong road trip to celebrate Husband’s grandma’s 90^th birthday.

It just so happened that we were all able to travel with Husband’s whole family: parents, siblings and their spouses. This was wonderful because Husband and I don’t get to see family nearly enough for my liking, living hours away from all of them in a small Iowan town.

Right now, Husband and I have one nephew. No nieces. My nephew is absolutely adorable, and even though he is a year and a half old, the first time I met him was three months ago when his new adoptive parents, Husband’s sister and brother-in-law, brought him back from Ethiopia.

This was only my second time seeing him, and if my previous blogs here and here are any indication, I love children. And, apparently, I am especially enamored when they are family.

I begged to be allowed to sit next to this little munchkin, and his mom graciously agreed with something to this effect: “As long as you don’t mind having every car on the interstate pointed out to you and don’t mind finding cheerios in places you didn’t know you had, you can claim a seat by him!”

Because his mommy has called him Li’l Dude on her blog, I will adopt the same name for my blog.

I bought our camera along specifically because I was excited to get to sit next to him, and I was determined to get some fun and adorable pictures. Of course, I know that when Husband and I are blessed with children of our own, we will not just be looking for the happy smiling poses, but when we’re just an Aunt and an Uncle, our relationship with Li’l Dude is a little one-sided.

This is the first picture that Husband was able to snap of Li’l Dude:

He was aiming for a smiling shot.

This is shot number four:

By shot number nine, I felt like we were getting the timing right:

This is my absolutely favorite shot of the whole trip, even though it’s blurry:

Doesn’t this picture just make you want to laugh too?

A Cacophony of Praise

My husband’s sister and her husband were in ‘the adoption process’ when I met them three and a half years ago. This adoption process finally drew to a close two weeks ago.

Most of those three and a half years were spent in the chaotic flurry of paperwork and government red tape that is only fully appreciated by those who have adopted a baby from another country, but the last ten months have been a bit—and I say a bit—more understandable for the rest of us who watch and pray from the sidelines.

Ten months ago my husband’s sister and her husband had a baby boy in Ethiopia referred to them. Or they were referred to him. Now I’m not sure on the terminology. In any case, suddenly last October, we had the face and name of a baby to color our prayers.

Two weeks ago, my sister- and brother-in-law finally brought this baby home.

A great deal of prayer has been directed from my lips and heart toward God on their behalf throughout this process, and I was eager, oh so eager, to finally meet this baby and see the fruition of so many prayers.

My husband and I were finally able to meet this little boy (for he’s no longer really a baby—he walks, runs, and smiles a beautiful eight-tooth smile) this past weekend.

We drove to my husband’s parents’ house for our annual family gathering. My husband’s three siblings and their spouses all congregate and we enjoy a weekend of family and fun.

This was the first year with a third generation present at this particular family gathering and it was a welcomed change for all involved.

Our family’s dynamics are changing, and with each change and passing year, we see God gently leading, guiding, and loving our family.

We chose to forego church on Sunday morning in favor of a family worship time. My husband was in charge of picking and leading music, and one of the songs he picked was the familiar hymn, “Great is Thy Faithfulness”.

I closed my eyes as we lifted up the refrain to our Heavenly Father, while my newly adopted little nephew added his own vocal interjections (and that boy has some lungs on him).

Three and a half years is a long time. Ten months is longer still when there is a specific child waiting for his parents, but in that moment God’s faithfulness to me, to our family, crystallized for an instant from a misty promise into a glitteringly beautiful truth.

Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness;

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed thy hand hath provided—

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!