Getting Settled in St. Paul

I just finished reading through my testimony, which I wrote out to share at our annual family stay-cation with Mark’s family. Initially, when I added that item to my to-do list for this week, I felt impatient. As you may have guessed from my long silence, my application before the Board of Teaching passed, and I am in the three-week frenzy before school starts, trying to get everything done that needs to be done. Honestly, right now, being terrified has eclipsed being excited.

We just got moved in to our new apartment in St. Paul, just a bit north of Frogtown (if you’re familiar with St. Paul) on Saturday. Because I hate boxes and being in transition, we got the last box unpacked last night and pictures and clocks hung. This apartment is nice, much nicer in looks than our little house in Iowa. It’s also more expensive, and what we gain in looks we lose in ambiance. The neighbors living below us have what I imagine to be giant subs and giant speakers and at times throughout the weekend they vibrated our floors and furniture with their music. Our neighbors above are quiet, except that their bedroom floorboards (which are also our ceiling…boards) squeak. I’m a light sleeper, so being surrounded by so many abrupt sounds like a squeaking ceiling and dogs barking, and people talking loudly as they walk through the halls has been hugely frustrating. Mark, being the composer that he is, whipped up two white noise soundtracks for me last night, which helped a lot.

So, besides moving, I’ve been trying to finish up my behavior management plan, my investment plan, my long-range unit plans, my first two week lessons, my trackers and displays for the classroom, my grading system and documents, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. According to my mom, “You were able to go to Mozambique and teach with two days of notice and you weren’t stressed at all! You’re really letting this get to you.” Her words are all too true, and yesterday was kind of a low point. I was trying to work on my behavior management plan for my little first graders at a library about five miles from our house, when I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed. Basically, I panicked, went to sit in my car, and called my dad sobbing. It wasn’t pretty. And really not necessary. And really not a good use of time or energy.

In any case, to get back to my original point, I felt like adding ‘Write Testimony’ to my to-do list was just one more thing, and I was impatient. But as I read through my finished product this morning (to make sure it wasn’t too short or too long), tears came to my eyes multiple times. I may have new noises to try to sleep through. Our budget and bank account may be stretched beyond what’s comfortable. I may have a whole lot to do before the school year starts. But God has been faithful, as reading my testimony aloud reminded me. God has been so very faithful to me. I have no need and no reason to doubt Him now.

One Month Count Down

So, you may have thought I was never coming back. I may have thought that too. But when I was sitting here tonight looking at cute first grade classrooms on blogs and feeling like my life would never be complete until I had a Beanie Baby reading display and cute reading chairs and lots and lots of books... I realized I probably was in need of a step back and a healthy dose of perspective.

The last couple of months have been crazy. Absolutely crazy. Part of the reason that I haven't written in a while is that I just haven't known what to write. Our lives were in such crazy suspension that my emotions wandered off into the hazy unknown as well. I was thankful, then peaceful, then raging, then crying... honestly, I don't know what a post during that time would have looked like. (And really, so far, this post is still pretty rambling!)

Mark and I have an apartment now. We move in next Friday. It's not the old-house-converted-into-apartments feel that I was hoping for, but it's big enough for what we need and it will allow us to get a dog (a smallish dog, not my greyhound that I've been fantasizing about). Mark has a job, albeit a temporary job, as a custodian at a school. His job search process has been, for both him and me, a bit discouraging. I mean, I know that he has lots of wonderful skills and creativity to offer in the workforce, but for whatever reason he's just been unable to find that good fit yet. But we have income, and that's something we're both thankful for.

I have a teaching job lined up. My first day of actual teaching is September 3, almost exactly a month from now (gasp). However, tomorrow my application, as well as many other applications, goes before the Board of Teaching in Minnesota to see if we can get permission to be in the classroom this year. If the Board of Teaching votes down my application, well... I guess I will join Mark in the job search.

But I'm honestly not too concerned about it. Not because it's not concerning (because it is), but because I only have enough space in my brain and right now all the space has been devoted to starting to get ready for my classroom this fall. I found out this week that I'll be teaching first grade, and I got the textbooks we'll be using. I have so much planning to do. I can't even believe how many details have to be ironed out before the first kid walks through my door. I'm alternately thrilled (because let's be honest - I love making plans) and terrified (because let's be honest - I've never had to plan so many details at one time before in my LIFE.)

So, anyway, that's where we are right now. Still about 75% in transition. Not where we wanted to be three and a half months after moving up to the Twin Cities. But we're forging ahead and things are getting worked out bit by bit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice some excellent self-care techniques and not look at any more first grade blogs. I think I'm going to read in bed with the covers over my head.

Striving Forward for every little Kaylee

I have never been this intensely busy and stressed in my entire life. There are so many things I wish I could have reflected on in this blog over the last four weeks but haven't been able to just because I am always so. very. tired. But now that it's the 4th of July and we don't have school today or tomorrow, I have a little bit more wiggle room. 

These last few weeks of teaching have not been what I had expected them to be. From Day 1 of having kids in my classroom I have struggled with managing the classroom and behavior, and teaching in a way that engages the students and keeps their interest. (Honestly, I've never been made to feel boring so often as I have in the last three weeks. Engaging 2nd graders in math and even reading apparently does not come naturally to me.)

Anyway, I've really struggled with balancing management and teaching. I honestly don't feel like I've been a good teacher for my summer school kids, and I can honestly say I think I'm one of the people struggling the most getting into teaching, at least out of all the TFA corps members at my school. So that's been pretty hard for me. I thought that with all my experience at the library and in Mozambique I wouldn't struggle so much. And what's worse is that I know my summer school kids need a good teacher. Oh, how they need a good teacher. 

So, I've really been fighting a lot of feelings of self-doubt too over the last few weeks, wondering if I should even be here and wondering if I am really just doing my kids more harm than good by being here in their classroom. I love my kids so much, and I hate to think that I'm letting them down. There's little Kaylee, this tiny little girl who is already so far behind in everything. She's starting 2nd grade this fall and doesn't even recognize most of her numbers and can hardly read a word. (What 1st grade teacher passed her, is my question.) And there's Delana who's aunt forgets to pick her up because she's drunk 'too much kool-aid and has to take a nap' in Delana's words. I could go on. Each of my kiddos has a story that makes me desperate to be a good teacher for them. But Kaylee and Delana for me put a face to why I so want to be a good teacher. I love them and I hate to think I'm failing them.

But yesterday, someone said something to me that really made a difference in my outlook. At the end of the day everyday a couple times a week we have this all-school shout out time, where all the corps members who are teaching and the staff who are supporting them congregate in a room and share 'shout outs,' or encouraging words for someone else on our team. At the end of the day yesterday, Blair, one of the TFA staff people, gave me a shout out for being one of the people who's most committed to improving that he's seen. He said that the difference he's seen between someone who ends up a good teacher and someone who ends up a great teacher is that drivenness to improve and become a better teacher. He said that that is the kind of teacher who will really make a difference in the lives of our kiddos. 

I don't say that all to toot my own horn, but it was kind of an epiphany for me. I realized I need to stop spending so much energy on comparing myself to other teachers and wondering if I measure up and start devoting all of that energy to becoming a better teacher. I may not be a great teacher now (or even a good teacher), but someday I will be and I need to keep striving toward that goal. Because it's not about me and my teacher ego. It's about the little kiddos like Kaylee and Delana who are already, at age 7, sliding through the cracks in the system that is failing them.

So, even though I'm not a good teacher now, and even though I may not be everything my summer school students need me to be (or even hardly anything that they need me to be), I'm going to keep on striving toward becoming a better teacher for Kaylee and Delana and all  of the Kaylees and Delanas I'll be able to love and teach in the years to come.

A Dorm + Little Sleep + Children on Monday

My life has been so drastically different for the last week, I hardly even know where to start.

I'm living in a dorm with 600 other girls and guys who are all committed to the same cause of equality in education for all children but maybe not of the same background or other values or lifestyle.

I've only gotten about four hours of sleep per night since arriving, which makes it feel like I've been here a month instead of a week.

I'm making lots of friends! Yay! But I also miss my husband so much that it hurts, really hurts, every time I have to hang up the phone.

Earplugs are my new best friend at night, living in this dorm.

I've learned so much about teaching that I seriously think my brain has overloaded a couple of times this week, leaving me unable to function for a good fifteen minutes at a time.

But at the same time, I've learned so much about teaching that I've felt empowered and excited and eager to have my own classroom.

I found out that Teach For America is suddenly super controversial in Minnesota, thus jeopardizing my being able to teach this fall. (If you're a praying person, please pray about this!)

College dining center food... oh how I miss cooking. Looking at all of my favorite food blogs right now makes me sad.

I will have a classroom full of 28 little 2nd graders on Monday. I can't believe it. There is still so so much to do before I'm ready for them. And it's Saturday night. But the funny thing (I'm realizing) about teaching compared to other jobs I've had is that all the work will get done because on Monday morning, it won't be just me and a computer screen. There will be 28 little faces counting on me to be ready to help get them ready for 2nd grade in the fall. That is the most effective motivator I've ever found.

Embarking

As I sit here at my parents' dining room table, I have a piece of notebook paper next to me and a pen. These two things are meant to keep me from going crazy. As I try to review key chapters and essays before my TFA training starts, my brain is practically frothing with superfulous thoughts. Anything that seems of dire importance I write down on the notebook paper, and then the idea is that I can keep concentrating on the readings. In theory, this is great. In practice, I've had about four different pieces of notebook paper over the past few days and written 'pack jacket!' about six times and 'pajamas' at least three times.

For some reason, packing has been fairly anxiety-ridden for this trip. When I think back to packing for Mozambique, I know I felt pretty anxious as well, but that hair and sleep loss was mainly due to fear over navigating four different airports and how to be prepared for layovers or possible pick-pocketing.

I don't have to fly into four different countries for this trip (sad, but also much simpler), and I don't need to pack a variety of legal documents (definitely a relief). But I do have to be prepared to look teacher-professional five days a week in stifling Oklahoma summer weather. And I do have to pack other teacher items, like notebooks and folders and a printer. And I'll be carpooling with a couple other corps members, so all our stuff needs to fit in the car we take. I know this shouldn't stress me out, but I must confess that it does.

I also think that I don't have the most organized and efficient system for packing. (However, I was mostly packed for this first week in the Twin Cities by 9:30 this morning, and we're not leaving until 3:15, so I guess my system isn't all bad.) This is the fifteen-step system that has resulted in a suitcase packed for this week and a dufflebag partially packed for the next five weeks:

1. Read through the packing list that TFA provides.
2. Start own list on notebook paper, incorporating the things TFA suggests that seem like a good idea.
3. Write a series of question marks behind things not sure about, like what kind of dress shoes to bring.
4. With paper in hand, start a few piles on the extra bed downstairs. Cross off items now present on bed. Then stop, due to heightened stress.
5. Go back a day later and try to remember what's already been packed by looking at list. Try to ascertain whether items are crossed off because they are on the bed or because decided not to take them.
6. Add more items to bed. Circle items on list that haven't been located. Write more question marks behind things uncertain of, like dress shoes.
7. Go back upstairs. Read for a while to relax from stress of packing.
8. Start a second list upstairs of things that may not be on first list (but don't go downstairs to check in case of increased stress.)
9. Morning of. Must get packed today. Take second list downstairs. Put two lists next to each other and see what overlaps.
10. Pack extra pants and shirts, just in case.
11. Grind teeth. Randomly pick a few pairs of dress shoes. Pack tennis shoes too, for running, and sandals, for relaxing. (In case there's time to relax.)
12. Stand in bathroom for full five minutes, making sure nothing is forgotten. Repeat process with bedroom and living room.
13. Double and triple check really important things like medications.
14. Decide to save space and not pack cleaning supplies for apartment.
15. Keep paper nearby for the rest of the day to jot down anything that may or may not already be packed but which excites nervous stomach stress butterflies.

Alright? All packed? OK, I think I'm ready for TFA Induction to start this afternoon!

Bookshelf: April-May

Despite packing up and moving to a new state and preparing for Teach For America, I've managed to do quite a bit of reading over the last two months. I don't expect to read too much from now until sometime in 2015, so I'm enjoying this current state of reading freedom.

See my reading selections for April and May below. Just a warning: I probably should have separated this into two posts. But I didn't. (Also, notice the star rating next to the title for a cursory look at my opinions! All ratings are out of five stars.)

April

The End of Worry - Will Vander Hart & Rob Waller - ***
Though a little simplistic, The End of Worry gave me a brief overview of the what worry is and ways to deal with it. The biggest thing that I took away from this book (and that I'm still practicing consciously) is to be present in the moment, especially if I'm feeling anxious or worried. This may seem overly simplistic, and for more acute cases of anxiety it probably is, but for me this works well.

The End of Worry is a fast read, so it's not a major commitment to pick up. I would recommend it to anyone who has wanted to give greater thought to the role of worry in their own lives, but I would also caution that this is in no way comprehensive. If you've already researched worry and anxiety disorders at all, none of this will be new.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - J.K. Rowling - *****
I've continued my re-read of the Harry Potter series. (I'm hoping to finish up the last book before my TFA training starts at the beginning of June.) Re-reading these as an adult has given me a greater appreciation for Rowling's writing style. Not only does she use words in amusing and effective ways, but her story line is, well, epic. I kept noticing how details in this book tied back in with characters and events in the first three books and I wonder to myself, Did she plan this from the beginning?

Between the Lines - Jodi Picoult & Samantha Van Leer - **
I haven't read anything else by Jodi Picoult, but her books have been recommended to me on multiple occasions by people whose opinions I trust wholeheartedly. But I did not care for this book. The idea and the story line are interesting, quite fun for a bibliophile like me, actually, but the effect is ruined by the poor development of the characters. Even main characters fell flat for me. I think that if the authors wanted to develop characters more fully and keep the story as is, the whole book would have needed to be a little longer. Because of all the good recommendations I've gotten for Jodi Picoult, I'm going to chalk this disappointing read up to the fact that Picoult was working with her teenage daughter to write this. For a teenage writer, this is fairly impressive. For a 26-year-old reader, it's disappointing.

And Then There Were None - Agatha Christie - ****
I would have give this book five stars if it had been a little... happier. I think just the frame of mind I was in when I read this didn't lend itself well to a murder mystery in which every single character dies. I wanted something happy-go-lucky. But as mysteries go, this was top-notch. This was my first Christie mystery, and I was terribly impressed. It's kind of like the board game Clue, only more complex.

The Bronte Sisters: The Brief Lives of Charlotte, Emily and Anne - Catherine Reef - *****
The only books I've read by either of the Bronte sisters are Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I loved them. This brief biography of the Bronte sisters made me love them more. Through this book I gained a richer understanding of how and why the two novels above were written. I learned about the distinct personalities of each of the Bronte sisters and the eccentric personality of their brother, Branwell. I am inspired both to live in 19th century England and read the rest of the works by the Brontes.

Sorcery and Cecelia, or The Enchanted Chocolate Pot - Patricia C. Wrede & Caroline Stevermer - ****
Patricia C. Wrede is a long-standing favorite of mine. Her Enchanted Forest Chronicles charmed me as a junior high girl and still manage to put a smile on my face. I hadn't read this in quite a few years, and I honestly didn't love it as much this second (or maybe third?) time through. Wrede and Stevermer wrote this book as a series of letters. If I remember correctly, they chose the time period and a few other general rules for their letter-story, but then kept a strict rule that they couldn't discuss what they wanted to have happen in the plot. They wrote back and forth, and Sorcery and Cecelia emerged.


May

Little White Duck - Na Liu & Andres Vera Martinez - ****
This was the first of three graphic novels I read in May. This was a very fast read, about a child growing up in China during the 1970s. I learned a lot about Chinese history, legend, and culture in these few pages. I'm not generally a huge fan of graphic novels. It's just not the way I like to read. But I thought this was well-done.

American-Born Chinese - Gene Luen Yang - ****
This is a little longer and intended for a little older audience than Little White Duck. I liked how it dealt with issues of racism and stereotypes. The book alternates between three stories. Jin is a Chinese-American boy trying to navigate through high school despite the mild (and sometimes overt) stereotyping by classmates. Danny is a White American boy who has a cousin from China named Chin-Kee. Chin-Kee is an exaggeration of all of the worst stereotypes and misconceptions Americans have of Chinese culture. The Monkey King has mastered the arts of kung fu and the heavenly disciplines but the other gods do not accept him because he is a monkey. At times parts of each of these stories felt a little bizarre to me. But over all, this is a great and extremely interesting investigation into the challenges of growing up Chinese-American.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling - *****
I just love Harry Potter. This was the book I remembered the least, and I simply loved rediscovering it. That's really all I have to say on Harry Potter.

Wonder - R.J. Palacio - *****
This book was fabulous. About a boy who is born with severe physical deformities because of a genetic mutation, this book deals with themes of bullying and self-confidence. Wonder is told from multiple viewpoints: Augie, the boy with the genetic mutation, Augie's sister, whose whole life has been defined and colored by having a little brother like Augie, and Augie's new friends at school. I'm pretty sure that if I end up teaching anywhere between 3rd and 6th grade, I'm going to read this book aloud to my class or have the class read it together. It deals with so many issues that would hit close to home for the kids I teach and cries out for kids to develop compassion and integrity.

The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle - ****
This is a unique and beautiful story. What really sold it to me, though, was the quirkiness the author sprinkled on top of what was otherwise a pretty somber story. I first tried to read The Last Unicorn when I was about 13. The title, as well as the subject, of this story appealed to me. But re-reading it now has convinced me that this is not a fairy tale for kids. I appreciated things in the book this time, like learning to live with loss or regret, that I just found troubling as a 13-year-old. Lovely.

Maus 1: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History - Art Spiegelman - *****
I did not realize that Maus 1 and Maus 2 were part of the same story, and I am definitely going to have to pick up Maus 2 next.  As graphic novels go, this has such depth and breadth. Not only does it introduce the horrors of the Holocaust in a way that's easier for kids to understand and digest, but it also introduces the subject to readers who might be less likely to pick up a book on the Holocaust otherwise. This true story told in an unconventional way is one I will recommend to my students (once I have them) and kids (once I have them).

Currently reading:

Decision-Making and the Will of God - Garry Friesen & J. Robin Maxson
Yes, I'm still working on this one. I'm really close to the end though.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling 

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? - Beverly Daniel Tatum

A Beautiful Ambiguity

I don't really think ambiguity is beautiful. But I'm trying really hard. After much soul searching, I realized that most of the anxiety and nervousness I feel when faced with new situations or challenges has at the root a fear of uncertainty. I want assurance that everything will work out fine. When I do not have that assurance, I feel threatened by the possibility of loss or difficulty or suffering. A sense of anxiety follows. Maybe this seems really obvious and you're thinking to yourselves, Oh, Hillary. Obviously! But this was actually a revelation for me. I realized that when I choose to embrace uncertainty, then I'm not as anxious. It's like really cheap, really simple therapy. Mark and I have a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty right now, so I have lots of opportunity to practice embracing instead of resisting.

I had an interview at a school yesterday. Because I'm applying and interviewing for teaching jobs through Teach For America, I'm almost guaranteed a teaching position this fall. But not quite. I still have to interview and interview well. The school still needs to like me and want me. TFA can't force me on them. Unfortunately, I never feel like I interview well. I liked this school a lot. I could see myself teaching there. But I didn't leave the interview with a sense that my interviewers really wanted me teaching there.

During interviews, I always get this feeling that I should have taken speech in high school or forced myself to do something that required public speaking when I was in college. I just don't feel like I express my passion and excitement well. My nervousness makes me quieter and more reserved. I just want to stop partway through the interview and say, Can I be perfectly honest? I'm not expressing myself well. But I would be a really good teacher. I promise. Just hire me and you'll see! But interviews just don't work that way. So now I'm waiting (not very hopefully) to hear back from this school and waiting for more interview opportunities. I think I better force someone who loves me to ask me a bunch of interview questions before the next interview so I can practice conveying what I mean to convey.

Mark is also waiting. He's waiting to hear back on a job he's interviewed twice for already. We're hoping he makes to to the next round of interviews. He's continuing to search for other jobs to apply for, but this one looked good. (Yay! More opportunity for me to practice embracing uncertainty!)

When we arrived in the Twin Cities almost a month ago, I had hoped that before I started training with TFA on June 1 Mark would have a job and we would have begun to look at apartments. At this point, that doesn't seem likely. God is asking us to wait more and trust more. I'm practicing embracing this period of uncertainty.

I'm excited to start training for TFA. I know I'm going to learn a lot and be pushed hard. I'm excited to be in a classroom this summer and learning right alongside other new teachers. I don't mind that I have to spend five weeks in Tulsa, Oklahoma, for that training. What I do mind, what I am nervous about, is leaving Mark for that period of time. I haven't been away from Mark for more than three nights, I think, since we got married four years ago. Six weeks apart is going to feel like an eternity. Plus, Mark is used to my habits - embarrassing, irritating, and otherwise - and I'm just not excited about suddenly gifting those co-habitation habits to a stranger.

But in all of this, I'm trying really really hard to enjoy the moment. I'm enjoying holding and petting and feeding treats to my parents' cat. (I love cats. I really love cats. Mark really doesn't. But that's a post for another time.) And I'm enjoying sitting at the table by the sliding glass doors and listening to birds in the trees in the back yard. I'm enjoying spending time with my parents and siblings and family-in-law and niece and nephews. I have lots to enjoy now.

So, I'm trying to embrace this beautiful ambiguity. We don't know where we'll be living in two months. We don't know what our bank account will look like in two months. We don't know where either of us will be working, or whether we'll be able to get a dog. We don't really know anything. But we know that God is good. I know I can trust Him. I know He is leading us step by faltering step. God has arranged for us, right now, this beautiful ambiguity.

The Lord is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.
The Lord upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your had
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
            -Psalm 145:13b-16