Yesterday, what with one thing and another that I would prefer not to go into presently, I had had enough of God's silences. Enough of no. I wanted yes. And I was an emotional wreck. Even Husband, who is very precise in the words that he chooses would probably say that that description is not far off the mark.
In the evening I had an hour at home alone, and I sensed that God wanted my attention during that hour. I was able to take a good look into my heart, and I saw, erected there, a beautiful golden calf.
Motherhood, I realized, has become for me the sacred cow, the one thing that in my mind is non-negotiable between me and God. I want to start our family now and God will make it possible one way or another.
Husband and I have sensed for a few weeks now, I think, that God is gently letting us know that He isn't ready for us to start our family yet. He has other things for us to do first. I don't know what those are yet... Husband and I have some ideas, but we're not sure. But all along, as God has been giving us these ideas, I've been saying to Him, "OK. Sure. We can do that. But baby first," or "Yeah, we'll do that, but we're going to have a baby at the same time." I was not willing to accept the idea of waiting to start our family.
In the last few days, God has slowly and gently pulled the last semblance of control away from me, leaving me completely at his mercy. (Not peacefully, I might add. As I mentioned, yesterday, I was an emotional wreck.) At the same time, the other ideas of things that God could possibly be calling us to do have become more apparent, more concrete, even.
And last night, when I finally sat down with God, I realized that the painful, wrenching, tearing sensation I had been experiencing all day was my letting go, my accepting that I will do whatever God calls me to do, even if that ends up being before we start our family. In the process of accepting God's will, the sacred cow in my heart began to be uprooted. And those sacred cows, I'm learning, are heavy.
I don't know why, exactly, God has been silent to me in the last month, but I do know that He has used His silence and our life circumstances to show me what was in my heart. He has shown me what was in my heart, and He has shown me that, painful as it may be, God can and will uproot any sacred cows He finds in the heart He's claimed for His.
I want God, and I want God's will more than a baby. I truly do. Though motherhood might not be a part of the plan yet, I'm ready to take steps of obedience.